Does Your Relationship Need Professional Help?
by Pavi Sandhu
Most relationship problems can be resolved by couples on their own if there is mutual trust, respect, and affection. However, many couples lack the skills to discuss emotionally charged issues productively, especially if their conflicts are severe and long-standing. In such cases, seeing a therapist who specializes in working with couples can be valuable. Here are the answers to some common questions about couples therapy, to help you decide if it can be of benefit to you and your partner.
What is couples therapy?
Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy in which the focus of treatment is a couple instead of an individual. Both partners meet with a therapist together, typically for 50-minute sessions, once a week, to work through problems in their relationship and learn how to communicate more effectively. The broader goal of couples therapy is to restore trust, intimacy, and passion, so the relationship can be more meaningful and satisfying for both partners.
What types of issues are addressed in couples therapy?
Common sources of conflict include money, sex, children, in-laws, friends, and balancing work, chores, and family demands. The most serious conflicts involve one partner’s infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse, depression, or anxiety. For young couples, the extended family can be an important factor as it’s common for parents to be involved in their children’s relationship, from influencing the choice of partner to helping raise grandchildren. Hence, it’s important to view the relationship in the context of the larger family system. In cases where the partners have different racial, ethnic, or religious backgrounds, issues of cultural adaptation can also play an important role.
When should you seek couples therapy?
If you and your partner have conflicts that are adversely impacting the quality of your life and your efforts to address them have been ineffective, you might benefit from seeing a couples therapist. Most couples delay seeking therapy for months or years after problems arise. Over time, the relationship can become steadily worse, with increased arguments, fighting, and blaming, until either the couple decides to break up, or they simply ignore the conflict and stop talking about it. While doing this can seem to restore peace on the surface, the underlying issues are unresolved and can emerge again at the slightest provocation. Both partners have hurt feelings, which make it too painful to talk about particular topics. This can cause the couple to become numb and detached, draining the relationship of passion and feeling. In general, the more severe and entrenched the conflicts in your relationship, the more likely you are to benefit from couples therapy.
How do you find a couples therapist?
You can start by seeking referrals from people you know and trust, such as close family members, friends, or your primary care physician. Alternatively, you can browse a therapist directory on professional websites such as Psychology Today, AAMFT, or CAMFT. These sites enable you to search for therapists in your area, and look up information about their background, training, and areas of specialization. You can shortlist a few therapists whose profiles resonate with you, and give them a call. Most therapists offer a brief phone consultation, during which you can provide a summary of your situation and ask about the therapist’s approach, hours, and fees, before making an appointment. Once you make an appointment, it’s important to spend the first session evaluating if the therapist seems a good fit, and if you both feel comfortable talking to him or her. You can also see a few different therapists for one session each, before deciding who to work with.
What if one partner refuses to go to couples therapy?
It’s common for one partner to be more motivated to seek couple therapy. If your partner is unwilling, try exploring their reasons for not wanting to go and addressing any misconceptions they might have. For example, it’s important to explain that the therapist’s job is not to take sides, pass judgement, or give advice. Instead, therapy offers an opportunity to learn and practice relationship skills, such as better communication, empathy, and flexibility. If your partner is still unwilling, in spite of your best efforts, consider starting individual therapy, as gaining greater awareness into your behavior, can help improve your relationship. A relationship is a dynamic system and changes in one partner will inevitably influence the other to change. Also, if your partner sees you benefiting from therapy, it might lead them to change their mind.
What happens in couples therapy?
Couples therapy is typically more practical, structured, and action-oriented than individual therapy. There is less focus on exploring the past, and more on changing current behavior and learning skills to improve communication, access and express feelings, and increase empathy. Many couples therapists assign homework in the form of simple exercises to practice at home. A common technique is to practice reflective listening, where one partner describes feelings about a conflict for a set amount of time, while the other person listens carefully without interrupting. Once the speaker has finished, the listener repeats back in his or her own words what was said, as accurately as possible, to confirm that they understood what was said. Then the two partners switch roles, so the person who was speaking now has to listen. The goal is not to agree with what the other person is saying, but only to validate that they understand the other person’s feelings about the issue.
How much does couples therapy cost?
Therapy sessions typically cost from $ 100 to $ 250 an hour depending on the therapist’s location, years of experience, and expertise. Most insurance companies include couples therapy as part of their mental health coverage, but might require you to see a therapist in their network to get the lowest fee. If you choose a therapist who isn’t covered by your insurance, you can pay the fee yourself, and your insurance company might reimburse part of the cost.
How long does couples therapy last?
The duration depends on the severity of the problems you want to work through. It’s possible to see tangible benefits in as few as 4-6 weeks, while in other cases therapy can continue for a year or more.
Is couples therapy right for you?
A skilled couples therapist can help mediate conflicts by providing a neutral perspective, helping both partners express their needs and feelings, and learn to view each other with less judgement and more compassion. The absence of blaming and arguing is not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship. It could just mean that both partners are resigned to their differences, and have stopped communicating about important issues. The goal of therapy is not to eliminate fighting, but to learn to fight productively. This requires that both partners can express their needs and feelings, without fear of being criticized or rejected. While trying couples therapy can seem intimidating, chances are you will relax and enjoy it and look forward to the sessions, once you become familiar with the process. If you don’t find it helpful, there’s no obligation to continue. You owe it to yourself and your partner to give your relationship the best chance of success.
by Pavi Sandhu
Most relationship problems can be resolved by couples on their own if there is mutual trust, respect, and affection. However, many couples lack the skills to discuss emotionally charged issues productively, especially if their conflicts are severe and long-standing. In such cases, seeing a therapist who specializes in working with couples can be valuable. Here are the answers to some common questions about couples therapy, to help you decide if it can be of benefit to you and your partner.
What is couples therapy?
Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy in which the focus of treatment is a couple instead of an individual. Both partners meet with a therapist together, typically for 50-minute sessions, once a week, to work through problems in their relationship and learn how to communicate more effectively. The broader goal of couples therapy is to restore trust, intimacy, and passion, so the relationship can be more meaningful and satisfying for both partners.
What types of issues are addressed in couples therapy?
Common sources of conflict include money, sex, children, in-laws, friends, and balancing work, chores, and family demands. The most serious conflicts involve one partner’s infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse, depression, or anxiety. For young couples, the extended family can be an important factor as it’s common for parents to be involved in their children’s relationship, from influencing the choice of partner to helping raise grandchildren. Hence, it’s important to view the relationship in the context of the larger family system. In cases where the partners have different racial, ethnic, or religious backgrounds, issues of cultural adaptation can also play an important role.
When should you seek couples therapy?
If you and your partner have conflicts that are adversely impacting the quality of your life and your efforts to address them have been ineffective, you might benefit from seeing a couples therapist. Most couples delay seeking therapy for months or years after problems arise. Over time, the relationship can become steadily worse, with increased arguments, fighting, and blaming, until either the couple decides to break up, or they simply ignore the conflict and stop talking about it. While doing this can seem to restore peace on the surface, the underlying issues are unresolved and can emerge again at the slightest provocation. Both partners have hurt feelings, which make it too painful to talk about particular topics. This can cause the couple to become numb and detached, draining the relationship of passion and feeling. In general, the more severe and entrenched the conflicts in your relationship, the more likely you are to benefit from couples therapy.
How do you find a couples therapist?
You can start by seeking referrals from people you know and trust, such as close family members, friends, or your primary care physician. Alternatively, you can browse a therapist directory on professional websites such as Psychology Today, AAMFT, or CAMFT. These sites enable you to search for therapists in your area, and look up information about their background, training, and areas of specialization. You can shortlist a few therapists whose profiles resonate with you, and give them a call. Most therapists offer a brief phone consultation, during which you can provide a summary of your situation and ask about the therapist’s approach, hours, and fees, before making an appointment. Once you make an appointment, it’s important to spend the first session evaluating if the therapist seems a good fit, and if you both feel comfortable talking to him or her. You can also see a few different therapists for one session each, before deciding who to work with.
What if one partner refuses to go to couples therapy?
It’s common for one partner to be more motivated to seek couple therapy. If your partner is unwilling, try exploring their reasons for not wanting to go and addressing any misconceptions they might have. For example, it’s important to explain that the therapist’s job is not to take sides, pass judgement, or give advice. Instead, therapy offers an opportunity to learn and practice relationship skills, such as better communication, empathy, and flexibility. If your partner is still unwilling, in spite of your best efforts, consider starting individual therapy, as gaining greater awareness into your behavior, can help improve your relationship. A relationship is a dynamic system and changes in one partner will inevitably influence the other to change. Also, if your partner sees you benefiting from therapy, it might lead them to change their mind.
What happens in couples therapy?
Couples therapy is typically more practical, structured, and action-oriented than individual therapy. There is less focus on exploring the past, and more on changing current behavior and learning skills to improve communication, access and express feelings, and increase empathy. Many couples therapists assign homework in the form of simple exercises to practice at home. A common technique is to practice reflective listening, where one partner describes feelings about a conflict for a set amount of time, while the other person listens carefully without interrupting. Once the speaker has finished, the listener repeats back in his or her own words what was said, as accurately as possible, to confirm that they understood what was said. Then the two partners switch roles, so the person who was speaking now has to listen. The goal is not to agree with what the other person is saying, but only to validate that they understand the other person’s feelings about the issue.
How much does couples therapy cost?
Therapy sessions typically cost from $ 100 to $ 250 an hour depending on the therapist’s location, years of experience, and expertise. Most insurance companies include couples therapy as part of their mental health coverage, but might require you to see a therapist in their network to get the lowest fee. If you choose a therapist who isn’t covered by your insurance, you can pay the fee yourself, and your insurance company might reimburse part of the cost.
How long does couples therapy last?
The duration depends on the severity of the problems you want to work through. It’s possible to see tangible benefits in as few as 4-6 weeks, while in other cases therapy can continue for a year or more.
Is couples therapy right for you?
A skilled couples therapist can help mediate conflicts by providing a neutral perspective, helping both partners express their needs and feelings, and learn to view each other with less judgement and more compassion. The absence of blaming and arguing is not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship. It could just mean that both partners are resigned to their differences, and have stopped communicating about important issues. The goal of therapy is not to eliminate fighting, but to learn to fight productively. This requires that both partners can express their needs and feelings, without fear of being criticized or rejected. While trying couples therapy can seem intimidating, chances are you will relax and enjoy it and look forward to the sessions, once you become familiar with the process. If you don’t find it helpful, there’s no obligation to continue. You owe it to yourself and your partner to give your relationship the best chance of success.